Waving goodbye to your toddler

One of the many wonderful things that come with a visit from my mom is the ability for my husband and me to head out on our own. Whether it’s to watch a movie or run some errands spending any sort of time alone together feels really special. I am able to enjoy this time with my husband because I know that my son is in great hands. Hands that I know I can trust because they’re the same hands that raised me, and I turned out OK!

I think anybody that has had kids can attest to the fact that there are things that we all do differently than our parents. I think it’s completely normal because no two people are exactly alike. We all make different decisions based on our own personalities, beliefs and information available to us. No matter how we come to our decisions the impetus is always the same: we want what’s best for our children.

Whenever my husband and me would head our my mom would immediately distract Diego. It brought back a lot of memories of me helping do the exact same thing for my cousins when their parents would step out. I don’t know if it’s a cultural thing, or simply a habit my family shares but across the board it was what was done. So I immediately understood my mother’s instinct when it came to Diego. Now, I am not one of those parents that is very picky about things involving my son. I would consider myself quite laid back in that respect. But when it comes to saying goodbye to him I don’t want him to be tricked into being left with somebody while I step out. I feel very strongly about this which is why explained to my mom how and why I wanted to do it differently.

It is normal for kids to experience separation anxiety, and it is normal for them to cry and be upset for a bit after one departs. It breaks my heart to see him cry when I leave but I know it has to be done. I also understand the desire to avoid the tears by simply distracting a child so that he doesn’t see his parent(s) leave. There are two main reasons why I don’t believe in distraction over openly waving goodbye to our children:

1. Trust that mom and dad will come back.

I want Diego to learn that he can trust that we will return to him. That we will be honest with him and tell him when we are leaving. I plan on parenting with open communication and this includes communicating with him when we are leaving him behind. He might not understand it all right now but a kiss and a wave goodbye is something he is familiar with.

2. I don’t want him to feel that he has to look over his shoulder.

Peace of mind is something you can’t place a value on. I want my son to have this. I don’t want him to realize that anytime he looks the other way Mom and Dad might disappear without a word. The anxiety that can cause is potentially harmful in my opinion. Being carefree and relaxed is what I want to give him and I think that at some point kids pick up on the vibe whenever their caretaker(s) are about to sneak off. For one thing it’s very blatant when we try to distract them, and the nervous energy is something kids can very easily pick up on.

I honestly feel that sneaking off to avoid tears is more for the parent’s benefit than for the child’s. I hate to see my sweet boy pout and cry when we leave but I know that within a few minutes he will be back to playing and having a good time. In time he will learn that even though we may go out for a bit we will always return to him. We are not abandoning him.

I want to thank my mom for always being open-minded and understanding. I always hear horror-stories about grandmothers who force their way of doing things. I am lucky that my mom has always respected my parenting choices. I have never been shy about standing up for myself and while I think we should always pick our battles I also believe in standing up for things you feel strongly about. And speaking about that I also think it’s important to communicate effectively with caretakers about your expectations and limits. Oftentimes a simple explanation of your thought process is enough to incite conversation. My mom and I do not see everything in the same way, nor will we ever, but we share a thirst for learning and discovering new points of view. I hope to pass that on to my son.