When I decided to write a blog I had no idea what I would eventually write about. All I knew is that I wanted to document our life and my random musings so I could share them with interested friends and family. The title of the blog came about when I realized that just like any other person in my life loving Diego was not something that happened instantaneously for me. That is not to say I did not love him, but falling in love with him is something I do a little more each day. When I found out I was pregnant I was excited and scared mostly for the changes I would be undergoing. As the pregnancy progressed my fears and worries centered mostly on my baby.
I knew I cared for him and would do anything to ensure his well being but this was all in the abstract. Once I had my twenty week ultrasound my feelings became much stronger. I knew there was a viable, perfectly healthy boy inside me. I knew his name. This changed everything for me and made it all much more real.
I remember staying up at night feeling him move around, kick and bounce on my bladder. He sent me to the bathroom more times that I was able to count. I seriously considered donning an adult diaper just so I didn’t have to get up to go to the bathroom. My physical discomfort was great and I would say I was pushed to my limit. I can’t really describe my mental state during my pregnancy. It was definitely a mixture of awe and fear with a sprinkling of happiness and intense malaise. There was a lot going on in my head.
When he was born I was relieved to have been able to carry him for as long as I did and to this day I have never felt relief like I did when I heard his first cries. I wasn’t sure what to expect when I saw him. He was five weeks early and so I knew he would probably be a little small and he was. He was a tiny hairy little thing. His lanugo hadn’t had time to fall off and he had a full head of hair. I saw him and I knew he was mine. I felt a sense of ownership and a duty to protect and care for him.
Not having him room with me delayed our bonding and I was only able to see him for a couple hours each day as he was in the NICU. I didn’t feel like a mother. I knew that I was but it all seemed to foreign and far removed from me. I think that perhaps had things been different I wouldn’t have felt that way.
I can’t remember when it all finally clicked for me and I started to really feel the love that I now have for him. It has evolved. He is more interactive now, he shows me affection everyday. I always assumed that loving a child was instinctual and immediate. Part of it is but there is another part that develops and grows along with the child.
These are my chronicles of that journey as each day I fall in love with Diego a little more.