More babies?

Perhaps this post is a little premature but these are my thoughts when the question of having any more babies comes up. My feelings about pregnancy is that it’s not for me and that I cannot possibly endure another one. I realize that a second pregnancy could be very different and even pleasant but I also know it could be the same or worse than my last. The latter gives me pause. Just thinking of becoming pregnant gives me terrible anxiety. I already know what a wreck I will be and I am already worried about my blood pressure spiraling out of control. 

So for me, it’s not that I don’t want a second child but that I don’t want to go through what it takes to have one, biologically at least. I am fully open to the possibility of adopting further down the line but my husband doesn’t share my enthusiasm. Obviously this is something that one does not rush into and is something that like becoming pregnant has to be desired by both parties. Adopting a baby is a huge deal. I think it’s a wonderful endeavor and one that challenges and fulfills us in new and exciting ways. However, it’s not for everybody and while I personally feel like it’s something I would love to do I don’t know that it’s right for our family. 

I don’t mind being asked about my stance on having additional children. What I do take issue with is people suggesting it is somehow wrong to have an only child. My life choices are my own and I do not prescribe my decisions to others. What works for each of us is different and we make decisions based on information that others may not be privy to or take into consideration. I’ve always said that reproductive decisions are deeply personal. We should not judge or be judged by how de decide to live our lives. Just because I have a uterus does not obligate me to put it to use. It is not an indication of femininity to have a child. It makes me so angry when people assume that if you’re married you have to have children. Worse, if you’re a woman it is expected that at some point you will be pregnant. No!

There are people who want to have children but can’t and there are others who choose to be child free. Not childless; child free. There is a distinction in this terminology because childless implies that something is missing. Nothing was missing from my life before Diego. I did not have him so that I could fill a void. Now that he’s here I cannot imagine my life without him but that is something that I wouldn’t have felt had I not had him. 

Perhaps my reticence is my anxiety talking. Maybe one day Diego will ask why he doesn’t have a little brother or sister and maybe that will spur my thoughts in a different direction. Maybe I will wake up one day and decide that I can do it, that I can face my fears and take the plunge once more. I don’t know what will happen but for now I am not interested and my answer is no.